"Sometimes I Wonder" (2005), Anne Wallace

A young woman, face streaked with tears, picks up the phone and dials her best friend. She has just been laid off from her first well-paying job, and is overwhelmed by grief and self-loathing. How will she pay back all her loans? What will her parents say when they find out? The woman bursts into panicked sobs as she explains her situation.

Her friend, listening patiently on the other line, offers an unexpected response:

“Good!”

The woman’s stricken face relaxes in wide-eyed confusion.

“. . . Good?”

“Yes. It’s good that you’ve been let go. I know what a hard worker you are, and any boss who can’t see that doesn’t deserve to have you.” Thoughts of suicide immediately vanish and are replaced with a surge of relief.

“Really?”

“Seriously. That company’s probably going belly-up anyways. Let’s go have a drink and celebrate.” Tears roll down the woman’s cheeks, now quivering with laughter.

“You’re right – I feel so much better now. Thank you.”

You can probably reflect on a similar experience in which a friend or family member helped you overcome a difficult situation. People have long known that friendship can serve as a buffer for life’s hardships, but it’s only recently that we’ve found a scientific rationale for why our thoughts and emotions are so profoundly affected by the people around us. A newly discovered class of brain cells known as “mirror neurons” reveals the truth in the old adage that a faithful friend is the medicine of life.

Neuroscientist Giacomo Rizolatti and his colleagues from the University of Parma first came across mirror neurons in the eighties while studying the brain activity of macaque monkeys. Rizzolatti found that parts of a monkey’s brain would light up when observing the actions of another monkey: more than simply responding to stimuli, the activity of the monkey’s brain would start to mirror that of the other monkey, as if it were performing those actions itself.

This discovery was like a flashlight shining down on the dark caverns of the human psyche, illuminating enigmas such as empathy, imitation, and shared experience. It was also the evidence that explained why people who are surrounded by friends seem to live longer and bounce back faster from setbacks than those who are socially isolated.

“The emotional status of our main relationships has a significant impact on our overall pattern of cardiovascular and neuroendocrine activity,” writes Daniel Goleman in his October 2006 article "Friends For Life" in the New York Times. “My hostility bumps up your blood pressure, your nurturing love lowers mine.” When a cancer patient’s wife smiles at her husband while holding his hand, his brain tracks her emotions and mirrors her calm and reassurance. This kind of interaction lowers blood pressure, boosts immunity and promotes healing.

In his book, Vital Friends, Tom Rath mentions a study by the Duke University Medical Center in which heart disease patients who were socially isolated (four friends or fewer) were more than twice as likely to die in comparison to patients with a strong network of friends and family. No other factors, such as stress, social status, income, or severity of disease impacted the death rate of patients as much as social relations, or lack thereof. Other studies have found that social isolation triggers as many negative health effects as smoking, high blood pressure, obesity and even drug abuse.

The discovery comes at a crucial time. It revalidates friendship – and with it, all the intangible human qualities of kindness and sympathy – that tend to be sacrificed in the pursuit of material wealth and career success. In the July 2003 issue of Vogue, former Wired editor Katrina Heron recalls reducing her personal relationships to either a “worthwhile investment” or a “waste of time.” If you count thousands of dollars of health expenses and years of life expectancy, bonding with friends is an investment with very high returns.

Science proves that friendships are vital for life. More than the number of names in your address book, however, the real measure of friendship in our ability to feel another peoples’ joy – and suffering – as our own. In his blog “The Leukemia Letters,” University of Texas professor John Slatin reflects on a New York Times article on mirror neurons and their effect on human health; his words encapsulate the healing power of genuine friendship which no drug or diet can replicate:

“So the mirror neurons work both ways. I send a post about the difficulties of waiting, waiting [for medical treatment], and within hours the voices come back: we’re here with you, we’re waiting too. How astonishing. How beautiful.”

Jenny Uechi

 

COMMENTS:

How amazingly cool is it that science now backs up being a good friend and having lots of friends.
Lucas Hutson

Or you could look at it this way... Don't dwell on what one cannot control and move on to bigger and better things! I think that may have been the tact that her insincere friend was aiming for... My opinion on all situations similar to this (where it is so easy to take a negative approach) is wake up, get up and make a difference! Stop sulking around and stay positive; all negatives can be turned around somehow.
Hamish (23yo, Australia)

Apparently I've made it a point to be socially isolated for much time now. I haven't shared my joys with a significant other in many years either. My familial ties have been, and will continue to be my everything. This article makes me want to go out and consumate my love. Then again, so do the sun, music and flowers.
A.I.

it has also been proven that every experience exists in our cell tissues, there is a collective conscienceness we carry at all times (we are made up of the same material), and the biography of our lives make up our biology, we affect our health far beyond what we eat...
August Arden

I have a hard time with the statement that personal relationships are either a worthwhile investment or a waste of time. I do believe that humans are attracted to particular individuals because of the way that that person will benefit them, but it is unhealthy to reduce friendship to an equation. The idea of forming a friendship with someone purely for self-beneficial reasons has emerged from that centre-of-the-universe frame of thought that has so far had disastrous effects on our social and natural environments. Let me phrase my convictions in functional terms... Rallying for the environmental cause, in the short term, is NOT beneficial to me. Neither is giving money to people in genuine need of finances. Neither is walking my dog. But I do all of these things because I possess a responsibility to do these things. Jesus said, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Jesus was also featured on the back of the Adbusters issue entitled No Future. I have been given – by God – an environment, so I learn about and care for it. I have been given a dog, so I care for his health and wellbeing. I have been given superfluous finances, which to care for people that God draws my attention to. To come back to friendship: I have been given other humans with whom I can relate with, so I care for them. I do not care for the blessings in my life solely because of the way in which that care is going to benefit my future, but because I have a present responsibility to fulfill, and the fulfillment of responsibilities results in joy. Caring for each other in friendship is beneficial right now, right at the very moment of nurture. It is important to recognize that building relationships purely for one's own benefit can be (contrary to what the article says) hazardous to your health.
Hendrik Vlaar

I have been always trying to help people by mirroring my happiness to them thru my uninterested friendship. So far it has always been a very warm feeling and satisfactory experience (I have friends all over the world), but recently I found one person that for some reason won't be able to love herself and to forgive herself for the mistakes she has done in the past. I tried to befriend this person and actually found some beautiful moments with her, where as Jenny says we were full of this kind of high feeling as if it was a drug. This happened faster than before and we were both very excited about meeting each other and trusting one and other. Suddenly the feelings began to get confused and because of her inability to accept anything good for her she stopped talking to me and now I feel exactly as the article describes. My blood pressure goes to the top when I see her and she becomes all hostile with me. It's incredible how these things affect you. Anyway I really appreciate reading this article cause I now understand a little bit more what has been happening to me.
Serge (UBC)

I haven't felt the warmth of a kind word from a friend since 2003. I'm friendless and a drug addict; I have no job, no hope, and no motivation besides the elimination of late-night self-pity marathons. Yeah, I am a shut in. Suggestions are not particularly helpful at this stage, if you were considering it. I've heard more than my share, and have absolutely nothing to show for all the friendly and thoughtful finger-clacking of others at their keyboards. Unless you consider email valuable, that is. If you do, then one might say that I been plum reapin' them rewards, like a yellow school bus havin' pimp at a teenaged crack whore convention for dropouts with single parents who just sold the car to pay for a beloved aunt's chemotherapy. I haven't always been this way, though. I actually have a college degree from a UC and a family that is there for me when I come around. Actually, my dad is getting very old. He's losing his eyesight, and still has to work 5 days a week – as does my mom. I want to help them financially, but I am living off of a dollar or two a day as it is. Hell, I haven't bought new shoes in nine years. I wash my clothes in the sink with whatever type of soap I can find lying around the city... You don't want to know this stuff though. I understand that. I just wanted to say that I believe that the people described in this article really are onto something. I hope they continue their research. The brain is still such a mystery to us, much more so than any other field of physiological study. It's insane how much we don't know (halfa$$ pun shamefully intended). Maybe I should sign up for one of their medical studies, eh?
Anon. (Northern California)

Then it's true what they say: you know who your true friends are by the way they react when you find yourself in a difficult situation. It may not be easy for everyone to be as social as the next person, but we all find that if we have at least one person we can rely on, someone we can truly trust and share with and relate to, then it's okay. You're okay.
Vanessa

I would like to defend the idea that relationships can be classified as either a worthwhile investment or a waste of time. This is not a popular sentiment, I realize, but it is accurate in a logical sense, and perhaps also supported by neurological evidence. Emotional platitudes make us feel better about ourselves, less like robots, I suppose, but the truth is that we are all extremely discerning, whether we admit it or not. I often hear people say things like "you shouldn't be too quick to judge," which in practice means that they themselves don't want to be judged and found wanting, but of course they still reserve the right to judge others by their own parameters. I, however, do not see the correlation between being openly discriminatory and being a sociopath; it is merely honesty, like being aware that humans are only dandyish monkeys that wear clothes and drive cars with spinny rims. Seeing people as assets or liabilities does not preclude real relationships, since kinship is no less the product of calculated judgment than indifference or enmity. If anything, those who analyze their fellows may even have more authentic friendships, since they are based on mutual commitment more than some robotic sense of duty or the biological bonds of family. This point of view does not preclude one from humanitarian work, either. I think it's safe to assume that even the Dalai Lama and Mother Theresa have personal boundaries, and do not give everyone they work with the same access to their time as close friends; logically, they cannot. What I truly lament about modern American society is not the critical judgment, but the superficial judgment. There is nothing wrong with people evaluating each other for compatibility, but when they judge by irrelevant criteria (attributes of status) rather than character, everyone suffers. Over the past decade, I have seen Americans become increasingly desperate and miserable, while at the same time ever more neurotic about their looks, wealth, and social status. Those who keep up appearances look the least happy with life, while those who estimate others by gauging vibes (physiological emotional cues) and dialogue seem the happiest. As Oscar Wilde said, "we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." We may be predictable biological machines, but the formula for peace and contentment is no secret; it is widely known, but scarcely practiced.
Mr. Sardonicus

This is pretty cool. Life would probably stink without mirror neurons. Maybe this could also be why laughing's so contagious.
Blacklight

Mirror Neurons are behind the attraction to sports, movies, videogames and other catharses. Similarly, we choose our friends by how they make us feel. We also choose our literature that way, not based on truth, but based on its potential for agreeing with our own perspective. We can't handle the truth, so we skip down the yellow brick road laid out before us by our desire to stimulate more dopamine in our brains, and off the precipice we go. The very definition of Friend means nothing to me other than someone who sticks around only when they can get from you what they want, so to the friendless I say you are missing nothing.
Fred Slocombe

I was climbing a tree a few months ago, I slipped off a branch and fell backwards down five metres and I broke my back. My life changed instantly. I had an operation to stabilise my spine, after lying down for three weeks I was gradually helped onto my feet again, the friends that were there to hold my hands and walk with me have that shared experience forever, and because it is such a strong part of what makes me who I am now, there is a deep understanding of connectivity between us. Life is special. Love each other.
Alissia.NZ.

I'm some one that's severely socially isolated. My girlfriend is my only real friend and I totally agree with this article and its assertions that being socially isolated makes everything in life seem much worse. When you're surrounded by friends, they tend to take your mind off of hardships by showing you an outsider's point of view, which is that it really isn't that bad. My girlfriend has lots of friends, friends she's had since grade 2 now, and she's a much happier carefree person. Me on the other hand...I analyze everything because that's all one can do with no one to talk a situation out with. I try to attract new friends, but time and time again I feel I've missed the point in my life (22 now) where I was to develop interpersonal skills. Overall, I feel people just don't like me enough to become my true friend. Hopefully, that status will change, but it is what it is.
Ty

This is all well and good, however, I find that among many people these days they are relunctant to admit failure or depression and likewise run from any admission of failure or depression. We all want good friends, friends that won't forsake us when we're down, but I've seen a dangerous (new?) trend in America where we would rather not ask or tell. And this is really too bad and frightening for everyone.
31L33N

Am I the only one who thought her friend was insincere? "It's good that you got fired!" What are you talking about you idiot I need to pay my bills. I'm glad I have supportive friends that aren't full of crap.
Dave

I think this is perfect. I've always thought that I've gotten through illnesses faster when I've been surrounded by friends and now I hear scientific proof of it? Amazing. I love my friends and I know that they are the one major reason to why I still have my health...and my sanity.
Alanah Muma

I agree with Dave!
Nika

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