I, Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China, have come to speak to you today about who controls the future.

Our policies of censorship have created a blissful internal unity.

Our surveillance schemes have ensured that China is one country.

By stamping out corruption and anti-Chinese sentiment we have created a common prosperity for all Chinese.

We have built a self-standing army. We control the Internet. We take care of our people.

On this stage I am equal to Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama and Martin Luther King.

I can make the environment truly clean and safe and satisfy the demands of our conscience, the desires of the people, the ambitions of our state and the prestige of our nation.

I am aware that, in this world, it is not easy for a leader to achieve this goal, and so I express my appreciation for the stewardship of our ancestors.

For this reason, I offer my willingness to stand on a chair to express myself as a national leader and a Chinese soldier, a king and a king of kings. I offer you my deepest respect.